Denial
by Princess Leia Solo
Summary: After reading Dark Journey of The NJO series, I wrote my own view of something in that book. Leia and Han have to deal with their grief while Jacen has to make an unthinkable decision. Please read and review. This is sappy, so don't yell at me.


Title: Denial  
Author: Princess Leia Solo  
Rating: PG  
Summary:   
Author's Notes: If you haven't read "Dark Journey" or plan to read it, don't read this yet. IT CONTAINS SPOILERS! If you have read it or don't care if you find out what happened, go ahead and read this story.   
THIS STORY CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE NEW JEDI ORDER BOOK "DARK JOURNEY". In case you didn't get it the first time. :) You have been warned and I take NO blame if you ignore the warning.   
Author's Note (con't): PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've gotten feedback saying I don't understand the series and what have you... If there were a gun pointed at my head, I'd side with Leia, because she's my favorite character and I don't think they'd kill off Jacen without a dramatic whatever. Please don't tell me that I don't know anything.... maybe I'll write a continuation for those of you who believe what we all are hoping for. I'm sorrie if you don't agree with my story (but I don't either) but this is just one thing that could have happened.... if we can have slash stories, then an AU where Jacen Solo does meet his demise (even though I hope it doesn't happen) can happen, too. Kay? :) Thanx.... I hope that didn't sound mean or anything ::crosses fingers::   
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STILL WANNA READ IT? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Okay...... please enjoy the story and as always, feedback is loved and welcomed. If it is a flame, I will allow my family to use it to help light the grill to make dinner, some will be used to roast marshmallows to make s'mores. If it is a "I can't believe you told me what happened..." I will e-mail you back yelling at YOU for not reading the AN. Again, happy feedback (and a lot of it, please) is more than welcome. :)   
  
Why I am writing this: Hmmmm.... How should I word this..... I didn't like the book.... Hmmm... no, too drastic.... The book made me cry and complain and stare at its pages in shock and, well, denial....... Yep, that about sums it up..... So I am writing this... I will keep the general story, but... If you have to kill off our beloved characters, let us feel the complete pain and not just guess..... kay, I'm done ranting.... So if you all are not bored.... Even if you are.... Please continue..............................  
  
~~*~~ Denial ~~*~~  
  
Leia Organa Solo sat in one of the cabins of the Millennium Falcon with her sister-in-law, Mara Jade Skywalker. As they talked, Ben Skywalker, the newest member of the family, slept silently in his cradle. Even though the conversation was light, nothing happening to the New Republic (or what was left of it) was light.   
Leia sat on a folding chair across from Mara who was sitting on the cabin's single bed. Leia's shoulder-length hair was not the beautiful brown color it once was. Her white flight suit only served to enhance the paleness of her skin. Her brown eyes were dull and sunken from the lack of sleep.  
Mara's hair was still red/gold even though it was obvious that gray was trying to push through. When she was next to her son, she was full of happiness and joy, but at the same time fear and nervousness. She wanted to keep her child safe and wanted Ben to live through this horrible battle.  
The two women had grown closer every time they saw each other and now they regarded each other as sisters. Equals. Leia let out a hollow laugh at something Mara said, but they both knew that she wasn't really laughing. They both knew that it would be a long time, if ever, until Leia was going to laugh with true laughter.  
The door slid open and Luke Skywalker walked through. He hugged his sister and gave his wife a kiss.  
"Anything new?" Leia asked.  
Luke looked into his sister's grieving eyes and said, "No, everything's going smoothly. Han says we should be at Hapes in about 2 standard hours."  
"Good." Leia stifled a yawn.  
Mara looked at her with mild understanding. "Leia, why don't you try to get some sleep. The refugees are going to need your help, and that won't happen if you're falling asleep standing up."  
Leia shook her head slowly. "I've tried to sleep, but whenever I close my eyes I see Anakin's face."  
"When was the last time you slept?"  
Leia looked at them both sheepishly. "Almost 48 hours ago." Before they could respond, she verified why she hadn't slept. "When I feel asleep I had a nightmare. Anakin was scared, but also at peace. Then he yelled my name. He was in so much pain and I couldn't help him. I can't help but believe that it was a vision, you know, that I saw my son die."  
Luke walked over to his sister and hugged her tightly. "Leia, you can't do this to yourself." He pulled back and watched her wipe the few stray tears from her cheeks. "Let me help you find peace. Just until we get to Hapes."  
"How?"  
"I'll put you in a trance. Something similar to a healing trance, but it'll be easier to wake you up in a few hours."  
Leia looked at Mara then back to Luke. "Alright, but you have to wake me up as soon as we get to Hapes."  
"I promise. Let's go to your cabin."   
Mara watched them go and as soon as the door slid shut, she heard Ben start to wake up. She went to his cradle and picked him up. He calmed down immediately knowing that his mother was there and she held him in her arms so she could look at him. Ben looked up at Mara with such innocence that tears came to her eyes. She hugged her infant baby boy and prayed to all the gods and goddesses of every species that her baby would survive his attack on their lives.  
  
Leia laid down on the bunk that she and Han shared and Luke sat next to her. As she settled in, Luke watched his sister with a newfound respect. She looked at him and smiled. "What's wrong?"  
"Nothing. Lets get you asleep."  
Leia took Luke's hand. "Thank you, Luke."  
He smiled. "I'm always here for you, little sister." She laughed at the fact that they don't know which one of them was born first. "Now close your eyes and sleep." She shut her eyes and Luke concentrated on the Force until he heard her even breathing, signaling her asleep.  
Luke stood up and walked out of the room, sliding the door shut behind him.  
  
Jacen Solo sat in his cell on the Peace Brigade ship staring at the gray walls that surrounded him. He closed his eyes and his thought drifted to his family and friends. He wished for forgiveness from his deceased brother. Everything he ever said was eating away at him. The promise right before he died to get their sister away went terribly wrong. Jaina almost got herself killed trying to rescue Anakin's body and Jacen got captured.   
He thought about his parents and his uncle and aunt. Their pain was unbearable and he was happy when he was able to shut it off from his grief stricken heart. His little brother was dead and he could tell his twin sister would do anything to extract revenge. He feared what would happen if she found those responsible. He could feel her pain and anger through the Force.  
He then turned his thoughts to Tenel Ka. He knew she loved him, but he had just wanted to stay friends. Sitting in his cold, lonely cell he regretted what he had said to her. He loved her more than she'd ever know and something inside him said he probably wouldn't have a chance to tell her so.  
He heard the familiar sound of buttons being pushed into a locking system and his cell door slid open. He stood quickly to face his captures and tried not to look surprised when, instead of a human, a Yuuzhan Vong walked into the cell.  
"Jeedai," he said with disgust, "you will come with me."  
"Where?"  
"Infidels deserve no answers."  
Jacen gave up and followed the Vong down a long hallway and around a few corners. They stopped in front of another door and it slid open. Jacen was ushered in and lead through another, smaller room. A flat table stood out in the middle of the room, but it wasn't a normal table. It was made of the living coral that looked like a Vong ship.   
The Vong who had escorted him to the small room, grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the living chair. Everything in Jacen's being screamed for him to resist and to fight back, but he kept hearing Uncle Luke's voice in his head reciting the Jedi Code:   
He was put on the chair and in a split second, live tentacles flashed out and wrapped around his wrists and his ankles. He started to struggle, the idea of escape finally entering his mind, and sharp spikes protruded from the tentacles and embedded themselves into his limbs.  
'A Jedi knows no pain,' he said to himself. 'I am one with the Force.' He repeated those two sentences like it was his salvation. Blood seeped past the intrusive thorns and ran down Jacen's arms and legs to make puddles on the gray floor. He fought to keep from crying out in pain.  
A Vong walked into the room and stood before Jacen with what passed as a grin plastered onto his face. He watched the Jedi Knight try to keep his composure while facing down the Vong before him. "What do you want?" Jacen asked as calmly as he could.  
"I want your sister, but she seems to be avoiding us."  
"I can't imagine why," he said dryly.  
Acting as though Jacen had never spoken, the Vong continued saying, "If you know where we can contact her, it will go much smoother for you both."  
"What do you plan to do once you get us both in the same room?"  
"We will discover which of the twins are more worthy of our gods."  
Jacen gave him a confused look. "How do you plan to do that?"  
The Vong once again gave a demonic smile. "A battle. The one who ends up alive will be sacrificed."  
Jacen closed his eyes trying to figure out what to do. He reached out for his twin, but couldn't find her. He found the rest of his family and Tenel Ka, but not Jaina. There was something coming from Tenel Ka that he hardly ever felt from her. Fear. He pushed aside those feelings and tried again to focus on finding his sister.  
In that time frame, he hadn't realized that a few members of the Peace Brigade had entered the room. They bustled about the room, ignoring Jacen completely until one held up a syringe. Jacen also noticed that both of the Brigade members around him had yassamari in nutrient cages on their backs. The human with the syringe walked to Jacen's side and without preamble stuck the needle into his arm.  
He let out a small gasp as the liquid burned through his veins. He fought the effects of the drugs planted into his body.  
The Vong that didn't know when to stop talking walked to his side.   
"What'd you put in me?" Jacen asked.  
Without answering his question directly, he said, "We believed you would defeat your sister in a short amount of time. You acted as the stronger one. But with the nano-organisms planted in your body, you could win in half the time."  
"I have a living creature in my body?"  
"Just something that makes you more worthy to the gods."  
Jacen realized the Brigaders were far enough away that the Force was returning to him. A few seconds later, he could feel the energy coursing through his body. He took multiple deep breaths trying to calm his mind. He could feel the organisms swimming around in his blood stream, feeding off of his life.  
Becoming at peace with the Force, he reached out to the minds of the people he loved. Tenel Ka was so prominent that he thoughts first went to her, then the surviving Jedi from the strike team, then of course to his mother and father (even though he knew he could touch him with the Force) and uncle and aunt, then finally reaching out to Jaina. He made a brief connection, but long enough to get his point across.   
Jacen knew what he was about to do was wrong, but he couldn't risk being over powered by the Yuuzhan Vong and killing his sister. She was his best friend, but she kept floating in and out of the Force like a stranger.  
Knowing his good-byes were sent, he closed his eyes and thought about the peace he was going to succumb to, about how he was saving his sister's life. 'This way,' he thought, 'they only have to deal with one more loss instead of two.' Jacen saw his brother's face and with the hope that he would be reconnected with his little brother, Jacen let go and was gone.  
  
Leia woke from her trance with a start. Sweat poured down her face and made her flight suit stick to her skin. Her heart pounded in her chest so fast she thought it was going to explode. She realized tears were falling down her face and a second later she realized why.   
Pain engulfed her in its misery as she tried to remain conscious. Deep down she knew what happened, what was real, but her mind wouldn't except it. Couldn't except it because her heart wouldn't allow it.   
Her door slid open, but with a force that made seem to slam open. Luke staggered in and went to his sister's side. He pulled her into a hug and she returned the favor. She pulled back and noticed his red eyes.  
"What is it, Luke," she asked.  
Luke looked at her for a moment not saying anything. "Didn't you feel it."  
"Yes, but Jacen is strong. He's going to pull through."  
Luke then realized that she was going into a state of mind that can't be reasoned with. Denial. So he did the only thing he could do. He gave her another hug and empty reassurance.   
After a few minutes, Luke pulled back and the twins just sat there in silence. There was another piece missing from their hearts, but only Luke was able to recognize it. The door slid open and Han walked in.  
"We're going to be landing in the next few minutes." Leia stood and took Han's hand. She looked back at Luke and he nodded. Leia and a confused Han walked out of their room heading to the cockpit. After a few seconds of hoping her sister could survive this pain, he joined them, his wife, and his son in the cockpit.  
  
Leia knew Han was mad. She wished he hadn't found out about the disruption in the Force the way he did. Kyp knew about Jacen but not Anakin? It didn't make any sense, but then again the last few years didn't make a whole lot of sense. She should have told him as soon as she saw him, but she wanted to wait. She wanted to tell him when she knew more.  
Jaina didn't understand what she had felt. She actually believed that her brother, her twin brother, was dead. Leia squeezed her eyes shut against that idea. Even after being told by Jaina that Jacen was gone, Han still sided with Leia, praying that she was right and the others were all wrong.  
Leia sat in the room she and Han shared on the Falcon. The same room she had felt her son's pain in. They were getting ready to leave Hapes, but she knew it could still take some time. Even after the times Han voiced the fact that he believed Leia's feelings over everyone else's, she still had something in the back of her mind that told her he was starting to believe others. After so many condolences, how could she expect him to believe their son was still alive?  
The door to their room slid open and Han stepped in. "We may be grounded for awhile. They're even making people jump through hoops to join the fight."  
Leia looked up at him and flashed a forced smile. "That's okay. We don't really have anywhere to go."  
Han looked at his wife. She was paler than before and was looking thinner then ever. He finally realized what the truth was and it came all too quick.   
"Leia, we need to talk."   
"Okay. About what?" Han sat next to her on the bed and took her hand in his.  
"About the war, about our family..."  
Leia shook her head. "There's nothing to discuss except how we're going to rescue Jacen."  
Han closed his eyes, holding back his tears. He needed to be strong for Leia. She couldn't fall apart now. "Sweetheart, there's something you should know."  
"What?" Han sat silently for a few moments trying to gather his thoughts. "Han, just tell me."  
"Leia, Jacen's gone."  
Leia looked at him strangely. "I know. He's being held captive-"  
"No, honey, he's not." He wrapped his hand around her hand a little tighter and looked her in the eyes. "Jacen... Jacen is dead, Leia. He's not being held captive, he's not coming home, and he's not going to reach out to you with the Force. I'm so sorry."  
Leia looked at him with tears lining her eyes. She pulled her hand out of his and stood up walking to the other side of the cabin, which wasn't that far. He stood, but didn't go to her.  
"Leia, please..."  
"You don't understand..."  
Han's eyes started to fill up again and he looked at her scared face. "Yes, I do. They were both my children, too."  
"You can't understand, Han. It's so horrible. There's something missing from my heart. Something that I can't heal..."  
"Leia, I do understand, because I have that same wound. That same part of my heart is missing."  
Tears started to fall down Leia's face and she started to sniff. A few tears spilled over to Han's cheeks, but his gaze never left his wife's.   
"You have to let him go."  
Leia shook her head violently and said, "No! I can't!" She sunk to the floor against the wall and landed in a broken heap.   
Han hurried to her side and sitting on the floor he wrapped his arms around her body. He held her as she cried, kissed her head, and whispered words of comfort. Han's tears fell as quickly as Leia's, but he knew he had to be there for her. His pain would come later.  
"We buried our son today, Han. I can't bury another one."  
"I know, sweetheart," he said softly. "I wish there was something I could do."  
"I just want it all to end."  
Han held her a little closer and kissed her forehead. "Shh... Why don't you lay down and rest."  
Leia's eyes widened. "No, I can't do that. The last two times I laid down to rest, both of our boys were..." She couldn't finish her sentence and laid back against Han.   
Han didn't say anything and they sat there for a long time. Leia's tears subsided and Han could tell his love had fallen asleep. He picked her up and laid her on their bunk. As she slept, he knelt down next to the bed and held one of her hands in his own. Then he let all of his pain out and cried.  
  
Luke and Mara, holding Ben, walked towards the Falcon. They had been talking to some Jedi when Luke felt a strong sense of pain coming from his sister. They cut their meeting short and hurried off to the Falcon. Boarding quickly, Luke went to Han and Leia's cabin as Mara took Ben to their cabin.  
Luke opened the door and saw his brother-in-law kneeling next to his sleeping sister. Han's tears were dried, but grief surrounded him. He looked up and when he saw Luke, he stood and the two of them walked out of the cabin.  
"Han-"  
"Luke... Leia's a wreck. She's accepted Jacen's death..."  
Luke put a hand on Han's shoulder. "I know. Nothing will be the same, but we're going to help each other. She'll get through it."  
"I know. But if something happens to Jaina, she won't make it."  
Luke nodded in understanding, but the feeling he got from his niece frightened him. He didn't say anything and knew that was a mistake when Han's worried face became more worried.  
"What? What's wrong with Jaina?"  
"Nothing," Luke reassured. "As far as I can tell, she's still fine."  
"That's not real reassuring. What aren't you telling me?"  
"There's nothing wrong, it's just that Jaina is very hurt and angry right now and-"  
"-And if we're not careful she'll turn to the dark side."  
Luke stared at his brother-in-law and best friend for a few beats then gave him the lopsided smile Han usually passed on. "Why do you say that?" Luke knew it was true, but didn't feel it was necessary to alarm Han anymore then he already was.  
"You're always saying anger leads to the dark side. I also know that was one thing my boys used to fight about."  
Luke looked down in defeat. "You're right. Anger does lead to the dark side, but I'm sure-"  
"Don't sugar-coat it, Kid."  
"Jaina's actions could lead herself to the dark side."  
"We're just going to have to help her and keep her away. No missions sending her after her brothers' killers."  
"I agree." Without another word, Han headed to the cockpit. Luke glanced into Han and Leia's cabin and watched his sister sleep. Mara came up behind him and wrapped an arm around his waist. Without words, Luke kissed Mara softly on her forehead, closed the door to the cabin and they walked to their room.  
  
Hours later, while the Falcon was in flight, Leia awoke from her sleep and couldn't help but feel a heavy heart. She lay her head back down and tried to make the pain go away. When, after a few seconds, nothing worked, she got up and went to the small fresher. She took a short shower and changed her clothes.   
Leia walked to the cockpit and from the entrance gazed at the stars that passed them by. Entranced by them, she said softly, "I wonder where Jacen died."  
At the sound of Leia's unexpected voice, Han jumped a bit and quickly turned in his seat. He saw that instead of sleep helping to revive his wife, it almost made her look more tired. She walked into the cockpit and sat in the co-pilot seat that was still too big for her. Chewbacca's old chair seemed to engulf her small body as she leaned her head against the back.   
Han gave her a look that would have been considered pity had it been given to her by anyone but him. Their eyes locked and both Leia and Han thought of times past. The time they first met, their first kiss, their first good-bye when Han was frozen in carbonite, the rescue, their "I love you"s, Han's proposal, the birth of their twins, the birth of Anakin, all the times they saved each other's lives and the lives of their children, their hugs, their kisses, their wish for a safe universe for their children, and the painful last four days when they lost not one, but two of their three children. Han reached out a hand and Leia took it.  
Leia looked down at their entwined hands. Han's hand protecting hers softly. "I'm sorry," Leia whispered.   
Han's eyes met hers once more. "What in this galaxy could you be sorry for, Sweetheart?"  
"I'm sorry that I've made my grief overshadow yours. I know you're hurting, because they were your sons, too. We should have been sharing our grief and pain and helping each other instead of you helping me and I not returning that," she said as her eyes filled with tears.  
"Don't be. Princess..." he said using his old nickname for her. A tear fell down her cheek at that name. "You're right. We both lost two children in the span of a few days. I love our children and my heart is aching with a loss I can't find words to explain. After Chewie died, I solved every problem with a bottle and a seedy bar. I feel something now much greater than whenever I felt pain from Chewie's death. Your connection with our children went so much deeper than mine. You knew them before they were born. You could soothe them and calm them in ways I couldn't understand. You felt Anakin and Jacen's death and I just heard about it. I want to help you because having something to do helps me. I don't know what will happen to me if I have time to stop and think. Tell me what you feel inside and let me help you. I love you."  
Leia nodded a little through her tears and whispered, "I know."  
Han gave her a sad, mournful smile and he got up from his seat. He knelt next to her chair as cramped as it was and gave her a kiss. A kiss to melt away all other kisses. A kiss filled with love, respect, grief, pain, hope, and a silent promise that he would do whatever possible to keep the rest of the family alive and together.  
They broke their kiss when the communications signal went off. Han settled back into his seat and hit the switch.   
"Hi, mom, dad, it's me." Jaina's voice filled the cockpit and Leia smiled at the sound of her daughter's voice.  
"Hi, Honey," Han answered. "Is everything okay?"  
"Yeah, everything's fine," she answered. "Are you two okay?"  
"We're trying," Han answered. Leia continued to sit in silence, just enjoying the sound of Jaina's voice.  
"I understand. Listen, Jag and I are getting ready to leave. I just wanted to tell you both that I was coming to base with him."  
"That's good," he answered. "We need to talk."  
"I know. Well, we're getting the signal, I have to go."  
"Okay, Sweetie, see you soon."  
"You bet."  
Before Han could respond, Leia said, "I love you, Jaina."  
There was silence on Jaina's end and they thought they had lost their connection, but then she came back on the line. "I love you both. Fly safe." Then they heard a click signaling a severed connection.  
There would be an end to the war, but no one could say how it would end. All they could do was to believe in each other and trust in the Force.  
  
Well, I hope you liked it. I know, it was really sappy and stuff, but I had to write something like this. I hope none of you regret taking time to read this. There was a little something for everyone, right? Right :) Please review! If you don't wanna leave one at ff.net, send one to me via e-mail: Obsessee@hotmail.com. Thanx for readin'!  
RIP:  
Chewbacca  
Anakin Solo  
Jacen Solo  
Teneniel Djo  
(If there's another major character than I stupidly overlooked, or maybe repressed the death of, please remind me NICELY! Thanx)  
Peace, love, and Yuuzhan Vong heads for pinatas! :) 


End file.
